The anger and upset still bubbles under the surface.
I try to formulate a complaint but the words that come to mind would only rate me as an insane woman probably.
The tension I am feeling is of big consequence for my own well-being and my child’s.
I was expecting more or less what happened. I was not expecting how it was happening. It was more then unethical to me.
My only regret? I did not get up from that couch, opened the door and made a scene for all the people waiting in ante-natal to hear and see.
I am still thinking in anger while hearing that I should let go of fear. A fear that since the birth of Maya it seems to have intensified and the reality of it become even more so.
I decide to wait, wait till the embers cool down, but by no means this is going to be let go.
I was treated as a transaction, like I was not there, as if I did not matter, as if my thoughts did not matter, as if they did not need MY CONSENT for anything, as if I NEEDED to be managed. He was just closing another chapter with another pregnant woman. I wonder how many have gone this path with him, how many more will.
I will not rest. While I was well aware of all this, I experienced it so dimly with my previous births that my commitment probably wasn’t complete. With this, I am irrevocably committed and the war has been waged.
I still shake with tears, I still need to come to terms with it.
I’ve been told many times that doctors have studied for this and I need to trust them, but the more time pass the less I trust them and unless they start proving otherwise I will not be trusting one very soon.
So utterly disappointed.