What is me and what was me

At 16 I wanted to work in tourism as guide to be exact.  The course was not available so I took second best according to me- travel agency.  I loved travelling- still do- so I felt this to be perfect.  I believed this work will be forever.  Between 16 and 25 years of age, I was making sure my dreams became reality.

In fact by the time I had my first child at 28, I had travelled to the exotic places I had dreamed of, got married and my unfulfilled dream so far was the house.  It was not home and it was not my dream house.

Yet I still felt a void inside me, I didn’t enjoy my holidays or my marriage day.  It felt too ordinary some how.

But then I had my first.  Up to the first half of my pregnancy I knew I’d continue working and leave my child with a babysitter as soon as maternity is over.  I bought a pushchair and a crib – proud of having them in the house and looking forward to using them.  I never gave a second glance to bottle feeding or parenting.  The norm was my ideal.

And yet something never felt right so I searched and searched and by the time I was due I had already started the changes: I wanted to breastfeed as I was meant to do, wear my baby, practice natural parenting/positive discipline and birth at home.  The more I read te more my heart sang true to these ideals.  And once my little one was born I knew my job had to be in the birth/parenting sector and I quit my job.

Today I am 34, I have 3 children, I want to home school because that feels right for my family at the moment.  I am working in the birth/parenting sector and loving it.  I still have a dream home in my mind but ours is home.  Travelling is not important any more except for my journeys into motherhood.  The friends I always felt elusive are finally real friends who understand me and help me through without judgement.  I do not really entertain except my kids.  I am quite changed.

 Looking back, there are a lot of things which never crossed my mind before- LOTS!

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.  My heart sings with joy when my kids are home.  Just a while ago my little ones were going to visit grandma, I looked at the mess surrounding me and felt at peace. I have a family. I am in love.

I continue ‘changing’ – because I realise this is what I always was.  Yet society had tried to suppress me and I am finally finding myself again.  So many things are falling into place and becoming an aha! moment.

This is my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way!


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